˜˘·ĢØUŦ·˘˜

abirthed @ 2005-01-22T00:01:00

2005-01-22T06:02:13Z

oh, i'm "blogging" in my xanga now. www.xanga.com/g0ut

This isn't going to be deleted but i'm not sure what'll become of it.

abirthed @ 2005-01-15T21:14:00

2005-01-16T03:27:12Z

bicylcle i love you and now that i'm inside your spokes
I'm going to take a shame shamrock picture
And paint over it just for you, and i want out of your spokes
please it's just one fucking request for a moron
who placed his trust in a merchant up town
i'd like to speak with his manager, if only his manager was around
In the flesh
I wish you were in my skin forever
I wish i could keep you on a chain
So when the cabins hit the ground hard
I'd hardly have to stop and check for pressure
Your ugly fists with fists upon them are so rubber
Your no human being

I guess that was just something that occured to me. Bicycle soppository. That's basicly all it's about, maybe there was one part about a bridge and rain i was trying to remember for a while but i think i might have just dreampt that part. Maybe if you thought a bicycle was a person and you got to ride all the time.. maybe you'd be touching that bicycle in the wrong place... you know? I think maybe you would, and yeah... jam those things up your ass. Maybe you wouldn't. I'm very stoned and it's degrading.

I learned to play my favorite part of 2112 today, i am happy about that. Never ever smoke grass, it's the most annoying thing. You can't remember thoughts that you are thinking. You don't even quit making a thought and then you've forgoten it. It makes for short conversations. I don't care, really, it's cliche` by miles and miles and i hate idiots that go on and on about MARAWAAAMAMANANAMOMMAZITAS but wow, i absolutely love grass. I love it like people love chocolate though, i don't worship it and think about it all the time, but man when i've got it it's like "yeah, this is great." so remember, when i say "Go" you say "Browns".

Let's try that out once. GO!
......
....
..
..................

Big Bird gave us the hickups.

2005-01-11T00:44:38Z

Really, given the ability to choose my activity at any given time, i will probably pick reading or drawing. Two things i really love. I'm half way through "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and i should be done with it before the night is over. I got done with "Silk" today also. Very good, also very sad. I feel the need to use the old pen and ink but i'm too lazy to go all the way downstairs to pursue that intrest. Sigh.

I'm losing weight like mad. I'm down to about 141 or 42 lbs. now. I've lost about fourty lbs. in over four months. Once it gets a bit warmer i will probably resume the walk taking i enjoy.

I've learned that when music tires you out, you can always go to industrial and strange electronic beats for background noise. KMFDM is still one of the best industrial bands i know of.

Moved on up to the townhouse

2005-01-07T04:48:02Z

I'm reading a great novel called "Silk". I recommend it to anyone who enjoys horror fiction, as it does indeed give you the whillies or at least put respect in you for how frightening the situations described would be. I am enjoying this book, mainly, because while i love Brite's work, hers never scared me. It was more of a drama or romance. This is a very creepy book, mixed in with the good things about Brite's work. Though it is not written by her, the author is Caitlin R. Kiernan.

To be honest, i'm not exactly sure i like Brite's new books. I enjoyed "The Value of X" and the stories in "The Devil You Know", but i'm afraid it is more or less down to the formula of: homosexuals + cooking + y (a conflict of some sort)+ the setting of new orleans + drugs or some sort of illegal substance = novel. I don't think that it's bad for her to write stories like this because she enjoys cooking or food now, and she loves new orleans, that's understandable and i have no problem with that. It just seems like the premesis for the newer books are more or less the same. Do, however, note that i have not read Liquor. Only reviews and the back of the book/ what the author has writen about it. I might actualy enjoy it if i did read it, so i'm mearly thinking aloud here. To my tastes, at least, she is still one of the best writers i've ever known of, i'm just a little precautious as to how many more novels about gay people in New Orleans cooking gormet food i can read. I dislike food in general, and i especialy hate gormet cooking for the sheer price you pay for it. It seems like such a waste, but i am a pretty conservative person when it comes to food.

In any case, i love Poppy Z. Brite's novels and i will probably read Liquor and feel like a moron for being so skeptical of this awesome writer's capabilities.

Oh, Caitlin R. Kiernan.. yes, check her out.

Good Afternoon.

2005-01-05T18:27:36Z

I'm home from school today because my stomach was hurting this morning. Just writing and watching Galdiator and the history channel. I did a pen and ink piece a while ago (about an hour) and there is nothing more fun than changing those heads when they're slicked up with ink or water you used to wash the ink off. The edges are dull, but when your pulling it out of an air tight little holder then they cut you. Thank god for guitar caluses.

That bloody painting is still in progress. I haven't worked so thuroughly on a painting sense the woman at the Art Haven stood over me telling me that my Gray Landscape 1 painting wasn't finished yet. This one almost looks technicolored to me. I might do a sequil to the Gray Landscape thing because i really love the way the first one turned out.

Other than all of that, i've been doing relatively little besides writing poetry, which is strange, because nothing sparked that in me. I wasn't reading poetry, i wasn't talking about it... but it just kind of came out of me onto notebook paper so, why fight it huh? It spilled out of my slashed wrists soo goth.

A NEEDLE CRIED, “CHANGE!”
Charging little boys shooting scattered plasma material into a sea of deep awe. The audience is running wild in panic, furry, aggression, every simplistic emotion imaginable. Our ties get wide, and bigger as they fall, they flail around. Wimps for love and tear coated destiny falling through a great big awe. The great big awe.

And there’s a smile on an old man’s face as he stops and asks, “where am I where have I ended up in this cruel world” and another joins him on the plasma screen, the one that’s been painted by the boys. He says “father… I’m a married man now, and I knew this day would come.”

The little ones scratch their eyes in appreciation, and gnaw at the brains. The ovular intestine organ in shape with moons and stars and planetary psychopathic killing speeds of light or death. If darkness has a speed. And they lash out at their own fuel supplies like motor men on some distant planet far from here. They scream at one another and tear down walls for walls have always kept them in line, and the line becomes a stagnant black snake, that doesn’t move. And all at once it jumps catching the bird in flight, seizing its wings between four long living teeth, pinning beaks and battered feathers for cosmic waves or some other fastened hypodermic hex. And the bird cries out, as the snake hunts… Belly and all inside.

That's just something i wrote a few nights ago. By-far not my best, but i can't say i'm not fond of it. I know the title is a little corny but it was one of those things where i didn't even look at the keyboard or screen while i was typing. I didn't pause hardly at all either, it just came out as my fingers moved, and i didn't feel like changing it to please anyone.

Bringing in the New Year with yourself.

2005-01-01T03:19:53Z

So, another New Year's alone. Wooh. Dick Clark cannot salvage my soul this year!

I was invited out to a few places... but i knew then that it would be pointless to go. Merlinna told me of parties and great gatherings of flesh and fucking, but i declined her invite, because i really dislike parties that consist only of drinking and fucking. I do those things on a more private note, and drinking i do alone or with a close friend. In public like that seems to be a social status proof, like "I myself am fucked up. I am inserting my cock into her mouth, and I am a real person." I've got nothing to prove.

So... plans for tonight. Um... Well, i want to watch Southpark and then maybe i'll play some video games. If i could find a chocolate bar i would be set, i have this want for chocolate lately and i think i may be pregnant. I don't like candybars that much even.

Confusion and Sleep.

2004-12-31T21:54:17Z

I've done nothing but paint in the past couple days. It's like a relapse or something. I remember Jon's house on Tuesday and then... painting. Like a mad man. I've really shunned my oils because i haven't been able to use them correctly, but maybe later on today i will fool around with them again. Acrylic is still my medium of choice. Nice runny, almost watercolor consistancy, Acrylic.

I've been working on something new, and i think it's wrather good as it's not a monochrome scheme like my other two "good" paintings. It is a woman i remember seeing in church just about every sunday with lots of makeup on, but she's got a mouth full of nasty chompers and she's made out of organic slush... I guess it's a little Giger esque but it looks nothing like his art. Giger inspires me a lot and i guess i base a lot of my work off of certain techniques he uses, but our paintings look nothing alike. Mine are far more cartoonish.

That reminds me, i bought his 1964 - 1984 retrospective at media play the other day. It was the first book of his i rented from the library. Ahh... memories.

I'd forgoten about Pearl Jam. How did i forget about Pearl Jam? I forgot how great that band is, and i am dissapointed in myself. Riot Act... is alright, but not close to my favorite.

I never took to photography, and i suppose the reason is that i'm prejudice of photographers. I've met some nice ones, but the majority of those i've met are assholes, and look down thier noses at anyone who doesn't own a model 37367 portasilverfold with esp for compact presario extension software module production. And the substance of the lot like that were the artsy twats i avoid anyway. I can't seem to tell a bad picture from a good picture anyway. They all look good to me. In fact, i'm not sure you can take a bad photo, as long as the subject mater is in the picture and there isn't one of your fingers accidently in the shot, or if it's blurry or something. Photography never seemed like art to me really, altered photographs with digital software were alright if they were made into something new and pretty, but i still never saw photographs as something the photographer was responsible for. (digital artwork done on a computer is a different story, and i enjoy that sort of thing quite a bit sometimes) Like, you took the picture... but that is all you did. You did not create what was in the picture, and it did not come of you. It's not your art. That's just how i think of it anyway, but i'm sure if i took a class or something, someone would explaine to me that it was much more than that etc. and that i'm wrong. In fact, i did take a photography class at CCAD one year and it was when i saw that photography wasn't my thing. The three very attractive teachers sat around and gossiped about thier lives on campus and then said something about photography and we were off to take pictures... of stuff. We took pictures of a church downtown, and a few cars, and then some other things i can't remember. Then we developed them and it was like "oh. that turned out... like... good i guess." and some that i thought were more interesting than the others (because of the image in them) and spoke up about like "Oh, i think that one's cool." were not "cool". The teachers were like "yeah.. um... why don't you go sit out in the hall." and the one's they liked were completely boring to me. "This is a good picture... do you see the (insert photo term) here? That gives it a (insert pronoun) look. This is a really good picture." They looked fine to me, but they were dull, and did not make me feel anything but sad. I also took note that cameras, film, photodeveloping liquid, and the big machines used to print the photographs were expensive to no extent, and also jammed and fucked up a lot. So i decided photography sucked and stuck with painting and drawing, where pencils and pens and paint brushes don't malfunction and ruin entire projects unless hurled in your project's direction.

But, i'm probably just horribly missinformed about the whole process of photo critiquing. Oh well.

Telepathic messages may be interupted by bloating and other effects of the t-virus...

2004-12-28T00:39:23Z

Today was Eastland mall... i remember how much i hate hanging out with people that dress like thier straight out of the goddamn DeathxMortem catalouge. Merlinna dresses fine, Merlinna has decent taste and still keeps the edge she wants too without looking like a fool, but her friend... Katrian... Christena? Whatever, she's obese, she belches like a fat dog and is extreamly annoying. On top of all this she wears bondage pants and yellow fishnet with some band shirt or another etc. SOO DARK! OH SOOO DARK!!

Listen, i'm not one to care about clothing. I don't give a damn about who wears what when it's not obscenely tacky and stupid, but this was obscenely tacky and stupid, and i dislike the girl anyway. Add the fact that she's fat and has the juciest belches i've ever heard and you have a very unpleasent person. But then again.. i guess my standards are a bit high. I looked really out of place with the group of them (the other one being Ben F. who didn't say much and was digging the megadeth) as i wore no black. Foo foo i am not cool huh? Anyway, i just felt kind of nostalgic in that sense, i used to think people were so afraid of me or intimidated or weirded out at the mall back when i was a DARKGIAWWTHHIHATEPREPS@@ a few years back, but actualy they just found me hillarious. And now i can empithize with them.

Conclusion: choose noob saibot in mortal combat trillogy. he is really cool u no? u no?

Christmas Cheer!

2004-12-26T07:49:25Z

A nice ol' Christmas befell me this year. I got much needed literature, and music, and... movies. Say hello to Army of Darkness on... gasp... DVD! With absolutely no special features other than brief text! VHS is so dead! Hail the might of the disc.

Oh yeah, and i got a set of oil paints. We're back in buisness kids!

No, it really was a splendid haul, and a pretty good time. Lots of family which is good and bad, but mostly good. I got to play Dr. Robotnick's Mean Bean Machine for about four hours and that is definately a plus. I want a gamecube just for the purpose of playing that game... and it's basicly upsidedown tetris. Mih, i'm atracted to multicolored blocks that explode and dissapear... it's not that strange...

abirthed @ 2004-12-21T17:21:00

2004-12-21T23:35:14Z

Health class required us to read a book about a MENTAL DISORDER SO DIFFERENT IT IS DRAMATIC U CAN NOW LEARN ABOUT HOW WRONG YOU WERE TO JUDGE ME I AM NOT DEPRESSED PLEASE DON'T JUDGE MY GAY GRANDMOTHER, so i went down to our school library and picked out a novel my cousin recommended to me: After the First Death by Robert Cormier. Interesting... Apparently, while the other sophmores will read SUICIDE! YOUR ONLY CHOICE! or HOW TO KILL FAGGOTS CAUSE THEY'RE INSANE vol.5, i will read about a bus of six year olds with a driver who is seventeen with an overactive bladder, being hyjacked by an Anti-American group of rebels in New England. This pleases me to no end, and while it's not shocking post 120 Days of Sodom, it's still a very intense story.

*well, i suppose 120 Days wasn't supposed to be an intense story so much as offensive or shocking, but you get the point.

The last few days were fine. Nothing big came up really, but i got Subteranian Jungle by the Ramones from a collage professor friend of mine (that's right! i am soo kewler than u cause i hv the oldr frendzz) in the mail, and i need to write her back.

abirthed @ 2004-12-18T15:44:00

2004-12-18T22:00:48Z

So, the show went well i suppose. I really felt it the first three songs, but i blew it to shit after that multiple times in Atroecity and after the break we took. But uh, people still said they loved it and that we "rocked". Someone said we sounded like Nirvana. That's a complement i won't soon forget, but at the same time... i really don't want to sound anything like Nirvana (or any other band for that matter). Joe hugged me a lot and told me i kicked ass etc. That guy jumped on me when he saw me at the other venue at early dark. His hugs of death will not be forgoten either. All in all, it was a good show, and a good time for me and Jon.

We jumped in the car after a bit and sailed away to Dave's where his kid was a loudmouthed bastard, and we threatened him constantly because alien was on and he wouldn't shut up. (by the way... in the remastered version we saw, there was a scene where the captured crew of the ship were hanging from the wall in that alien grease saying "kill meeehhghh" like in Resurection)Uh.. yeah, we bought a carton of reds and i didn't sleep all night for some reason. Maybe an hour, i guess i dozed.

But i did happen to catch the movie Shadow Fury, which is honestly the worst piece of shit i've ever sat through. It is about zombie-ninja-clones and a guy that needs a new liver because he drinks heavily. Now doesn't that sound like a great plot? Seriously, i was thinking "man, this is going to rock. you can't fuck up on something like this, not possible, not at all." and then the movie sucked, and it made me cry. Honestly, worst piece of film i've ever laid eyes on, though i could see it making an excellent book. The point where Jon and I knew we were in for it was when we saw the villian scientist cloner guy, Dr. "O". We didn't exchange words, we didn't look at each other, we just laughed for literaly five minutes, which scared Jack and Harley, the dog and Cat.

Today, after going through almost a pack in an eight hour period, I watched Creature Features on Comedy Central and while it wasn't funny, it was horribly entertaining. If you ever get a chance to watch it, then do so. Then i came home, showered and went to Guitar center and got a new Squire bass and fender rumble amp in a package. HAPPY XMAS 2 ME!!

I was skeptical at first of its greatness, but even just unwrapping the thing from the plastic bag and soft scylicone wrapping was like magic. I felt almost dirty, like i was devirginizing it or something like that. Then i played it for about an hour and shot a hot wad of love in my panties. I love it much. It's red.

time to watch the FREE 50 MINUTE BASS INTRODUCTION VIDEO!!!

Love Thy Neighbor, Asshole.

2004-12-16T02:27:12Z

Man, my old neighbor got stabbed six times last night. He beat the shit out of some guy who wouldn't pay rent to him and refused to move out. He's in the hospital now in critical but stable condition. I can't imagine Gary doing that really, he was such a nice guy... and i can't imagine anyone stabbing him. I hope the bastard who did gets cathederized with a knitting needle.

EDIT: I broke my coffee pot just a bit ago. I'm not a happy boy right now.

Mix

2004-12-12T21:20:23Z

So, Kools were 2 for 1 last thursday and i bought three packs (3x2=6). I'm stocked up for a while, and i was happy for the deal. I traded my cousin a large AC/DC tshirt for the purchase so i didn't even pay anything for them really.

In between then and Saturday is a blank. Saturday i went to Dave's and Jon and I played pool, had practice etc. I watched The Wall stoned, which, (and i know this is a horrible cliche) scared the piss out of me. After that i passed out on the couch and got up at some point to go home.

Sometime in my snoozing upon the couch, Sadie popped in the room and lay a quilt over me, thinking i was asleep (which i was not). It was very kind of her. And Jack lay atop my body as i slept. Jack is an extreamly passive cat, with the reaction time of a drunk two year old.

Jon's got a fever, i've got the day to sleep and watch UPN. I hate it when people lipsync in movies.

Went down last night to have a look around

2004-12-09T03:26:04Z

I've got something that could be loosley comparied to a novel in the works right now. It's going to fall through like every other story i start and fail to finish. It's about a place called Atroe City. Clever, huh? I dun did made it on up myself, maw. I'm reeeeel praauuwwwdd. Anyway, it's just this alternate reality that Simon Brians ends up in and must adapt to it as it is an exact replica of the town he lived in before he woke up in Atroe City, just different street names and people. The City has a habbit of pulsing viens of black ink or some sort of substance up buildings which are usualy shaped like spinal columns, and up Simon's body, and it's just a big hallucination. People there are distorted and look like strangely comical abominations of light brown color, and pregnant doctors can look like skeletons and offer you coffee in a joking way. There is no way out of Atroe City because the ground ends as soon as you get out of town. Colors of things often change around there too, but that mostly just happens in the hostpital. I don't know if it's a place, or another dimension, or a state of mind, or what yet, and that's pretty pathetic because i invented the place. Suffice to say it's a huge industrial wasteland full of things you wouldn't want to meet in the daylight, let alone at night, but they are just like people here.

It started out as a horror story, but i'm leaning more twords abstract fiction as of now, and i'm having a lot of fun with it. My goal is to write something that i can enjoy reading once i'm done with it. I've only done that once, and i can't remember where i put the story.

The idea spawned a song. I think i'll work it into the set list for the show. It's comming up soon.

Tiny Piece of Leather

2004-12-03T03:25:00Z

This is just going to be used as a way to view communitys i'm interested in, other journals etc... I really don't like online journaling, as i already have a personal diary. Maybe a few occasional updates will come to pass but other than that, this is purely for use of a friends page.

Asleep they sleep

2004-12-02T03:29:55Z

Hm... i met a kid tonight who was a freshman and tried to kill himself three times in the last year. Nice guy really, he was a little shy, and nervous, but not a fool like some i've met there. He at least liked the Ramones. I don't remember his name, and i never do remember those people's names. I just know thier stories, and probably more than i want to know about thier sex lives.

Worms

2004-12-01T01:39:54Z

I helped out a worm today. It was on my porch (how it got up two stairs is beyond me) and i picked it up and put it in the grass. I threw it there actualy. But yeah, i did my good deed. Now, about the 505950502392 i crushed walking home from the bus stop... um... my bad? Poor worms, man. They're such strange creatures too... they don't even have a distinct shape other than a rod... They almost look like bacteria or something. And living in the ground until it rains... then they just rise up through the dirt and squirm about the roads, and the earth for that moist bit of time. I can picture them with large gapeing maws and huge sharp teeth rising like some biblical figure from a crack in the flowerbed of some poor house wife... If they were about ten times as big then we would probably regard them with more fear than just "aww if i get it's guts on me it'll track on the carpet!". Yeah, i can't help but like the idea of big vicious worms, reaking havoc on us every time it rains or when we dig holes. Gardening would be an extream sport.

Today was fine. I adjusted my guitar humbuckers and wrote a new song. Well, i guess the fact that i 'wrote a song' would imply that it is a new song. Throbbing Gristle... i can't stress enough how good this band is.

Oh Goodness Gracious

2004-11-30T02:02:28Z

And then he slid the dog out of the fog horn and said merry christmas. Here's an idea, if you don't like the cutting down of trees for christmas... don't make fake ones... stop celebrating with trees. Trees were never a part of the birth of christ to my knowledge... let alone pine trees... let alone the ungodly tall ones that are in their prime (not that i think a tree is really experiancing anything better at that 'prime' than growth). If your going to be illogical then contian the foolishness within your select group of beings. Don't bring trees into your bullshit.

Though, it's arguable that not participating in majority activity is illogical... but wouldn't the majority being illogical... wouldn't it only be logical to not be illogical with the majority if they in-fact were illogical? Maybe it's not a root of where the lack of sense started, but a question of preasent. If you do not celebrate with a tree (given the fact that catholosism is illogical and all of its forms, to my knowledge, are illogical too) you are outcasting yourself from your sect which is illogical. Fuck it... race war.

Okay, i hate this bitch. It's some woman on tv on fox... it's really stupid.. but she's a hypocritical bitch vegan and i really hate that. Jon and Sadie are the only Vegans i like. Hell, Jon even cooks meat for me. He's not a dick, he's a sweet guy that likes to shave his cat and dye it blue. He'll also fuck you sideways if you look at him cock-eyed, and he is my vision of what Vegans are. But this bitch... oh.. wow... faith in women + vegans -12 exp.

Give Yourself an A-MEN, Brothers...

2004-11-29T02:53:07Z

So, we finished off that bottle of rum and walked around in the cold. I am trying not to get sick this Winter, but he wanted burretos. It wasn't a problem, it was just cold... it still is. Then i slept on the couch with a cat on my chest. That cat was warm.

Life consists of nothing but uppers, downers, and antidepressents against a backdrop of guitar notes. How mellowdramatic and coool i am. har-de har. I'm not in a bad mood, i'm just thinking about tommarrow. I really do not want to go back to GCHS after such a nice break like this.

It's very strange... i haven't seen Casey outside of school in weeks. Two or three to be vaugely exact. I haven't seen a few other people in about that long or longer either.

And then... you can die empty. Emotionaly, that is.... you might be full, depending on when you ate prior to your demise. Oh fuck... your daughter smokes hash? Better discipline her for doing something harmless with her std infested friends. You got her to this point and she may become a terrorist if you let her do this extreamly illegal drug. From now on she can't watch anything Sherry Mitten has produced in the last twenty years, and "terrorism" is no longer a word. The "T" word... will be replaced with "Fuckmehoneyohyoumilf!" because that will remind her that out of your cervix she came, and that you own every aspect of her soul and body in this dimension. Henceforth, you can go get drunk with your husband and have anal sex with him as he beats the snot out of you with a billy club. Then, when he cums, he can feel unfullfilled and even more violent and go into your daughter's room at 4 a.m. and proceed to beat the shit out of her in the same fashion, but with a more flogging motion in his shoulder movements. That's why you're correct and she is doing something morally against everything you uphold as right. She might turn into a gay if you don't nip this hippie bullshit in the bud. No pun InTeNdEd.

I don't know where that came from.

Ziggy did, in fact, play guitar.

2004-11-27T02:57:32Z

Whatever that was, rum made it a lot better. Rum is the drink of the gods. Flush your bicardi and wine coolers down the toilet, buy some Jack or Rum (just about any kind) and a bottle of Rasberry wine. Mix and enjoy a tasty beverage. Mix with some herb and you have a day right there. A good day. Like i said, drink of the gods. I picture them sitting around a wooden table (round) drinking it out of large mugs. I imagine the gods look a lot like finntroll.

*licks roof of mouth* That is some tasty shit, and yes, i wanted you all to know.

On A Cold Dismal October Morning... in the year of our lord 1462...

2004-11-25T22:58:30Z

It's a kind of dreary thanksgiving, with the weather and all. I went to a family celebration and ate two rolls and a piece of turky... far less than anyone there and they kept trying to force more food into me. Oh, i ate apple pie too. You can't deny grandma's apple pie. I have a bit of a stomach ache now though, but it's my fault. They tricked me into bringing my guitar so they could trap me and make me play for them. I simply cannot play or remember any songs i know when cornered like that. I felt bad though, because my Grandma likes to hear me play so i played a couple songs and then ventured into the next room to play Turok. Oh, am i thankful for Turok...

Two-faced Puritan holidays... are there any other kind? Ah... it's nice and warm in here. I'm thankful for heaters too.

abirthed @ 2004-11-24T11:31:00

2004-11-24T17:52:53Z

Oh, wow. Classical Music. I am inpspired to learn piano again, and i'm going to go buy that keyboard adapter today, because if i end up enjoying it then i'm going to just get a keyboard for christmas. The one i have is from 1984 or something and it's okay, but i'm borrowing it from my aunt, and it would be good to get a newer model or just one of those electric pianos. I would love to have a grand piano but they are ungodly expensive and take up a lot of room. I think i'd like to learn violin, but everyone would like to learn violin so i mean, that's nothing new. I've wanted to do that for a while now. I have no idea how much those things are. Let alone the lessons... sheesh.. the prices... the hassle.

I am glad i took guitar lessons and didn't just teach myself, because well, one, i got to meet jeff poole who is just an inspiration to me period. he taught me just about all i know and i have two of his cds and they are absolutely wonderful. I did see him play once at Three Cups' and goddamn... it's magical. He's just one guy, but the atmosphere he creates with just one guitar and a loop machine (sometimes he uses that) is spellbinding. Oh, and two, i got to learn a lot of theory that i would otherwise have been ignorant to. Three, i got to learn guitar while learning my favorite songs. I think Fade To Black was one of the complete songs he taught me piece by piece. So patient. I heard he recently quit giving lessons though, i'm not sure why. If you ever hear of this guy then go out of your way to see him play or get one of his LPs. He could have another one out by now, but the two i have are "Nuttin' Fancy" and "M'Lady's Garden". "Nuttin' Fancy" is more bluesy and jazzy than "M'Lady's Garden" which is more of a medieval festival or country mixed with that meloncholly twang. Love it. Just love it. Hail that man.

Bach. Fuck yes. This guy is probably my favorite composers, but to be fair, i have not heard much of Tchicovsky (correct spelling?) or Mozart past the most popular songs which i heard in grade school. Beethoven is also great, and he probably comes in second. I know i'm leaving out a rather famous composer here... but i can't seem to remember. Anyway... yes, i love classical music. Lyrics are getting boring in other's music to some extent. I still love that Sisters song "1959". God, do i love that song. The Sisters of Mercy all just all around great. I think Casey has my "A Slight Case of Overbombing", which is fine because i lent it to him, i just want to make sure he was the last person i lent it to because i have a habbit of lending things to a lot of people and then i can't remember who has it.

Supposedly guitar transfers to piano, so maybe i'll be able to catch on quickly (a week or so to get down the nitty-gritty basics) after that maybe i could take a couple lessons to polish it out. That's one thing, my parents are completely supportive of my music, and they will pay for lessons and take time to drive me wherever i need to go to take them, within reason. I just wish they wouldn't be so bloody quick to tell me "yeah, music is good but you need a job to put food on the table" i know that, just let me have my little fantasy for five seconds.

Oh, i did find a guitar verson of Moonlight Sonata but it's kind of shitty because the piano version is so much better. I want to fuck around with some classic guitar stuff too, it's been a long time sense i did that other than making up my own shit.

abirthed @ 2004-11-23T19:28:00

2004-11-24T01:37:02Z

hacking can be easy. very easy. hell, i learned how to erase text from a site today in five minutes. well, i said it can be easy, it's not always. I don't really care about it though, it's kind of petty unless you're stealing money for something or just something like that. it doesn't interest me too much, and i hate kids that are like "oh doood hack ur comp i m sooo kewl i patrol a cht r00m and kick people out!!! ll3337zorsss!" I really would rather leave it alone as i have no imidiate use for it and i'm not very good with computers as far as programing. HTML is my extent, and i rarely use that.

We had practice tonight. Ten songs. We're pretty set as far as the show, and i am really enjoying myself as far as music production. It's not a hassle like previous bands i've been in... i guess those were more of lets be a keewwwll metall rocka nd roll band dood i'm 10. They weren't really that serious. We're not serious, we're just musicians i guess, but we're playing gigs so that makes us better somehow.

I have nothing of any substance to write on this thing. Maybe i should just shut it down, the only thing i really write in is my diary and this thing gets a mock version of whatever, with no real heat to it. I probably will keep this though... i don't care.

I gots it in ma viens... the burnin toast feva.

2004-11-23T01:07:55Z

Today was royaly shitty. I was very irritated with people. Jon brought my spirits up mid day when he came in stoned off his ass to buy a $0.40 lunch. But yeah, just things that wouldn't usualy bother me drove me mad. These kids were talking while i was trying to watch the end of Outbreak and i about threw a chair. It's a shit movie, but goddamnit i want to know how it ends. It does end up bringing the divorcees' back together! Awwww i love you virus loosley based off of Ebolia. Give me a big fucking hug! That's right bitch, fuck me good. Fuck mee righhhtttttttttttttttttt there! that's the orifice i'm talking about! yeah! oh go for it speed racer you sexy beast!

I have no ambition as of now. It's foolish, but i can't do anything about it untill i find more inspiration, because, hey, i have no ambition. I did write a song today. I'm pleased with it's turn-out. The Bashfuls have a concert in less than a month so i've gotta get our shit together, because neither of us is very concerned with organization anymore. I have to find our song lyrics etc and try to memorize them at least.

If you ever get a chance to see Sybil then i recomend you do so. It is a pretty good movie for something they showed us in Health class. There was cold water anemas and vaginal torture along with multiplepersonality syndrome and a cat head. Wow. Great acting by the way.

I'm a dirty little girl.

2004-11-21T05:45:34Z

Uh.. i have raised flesh from Jon's fucking dog trying to break my fucking arm off 8 THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES this afternoon. It didn't have much jaw strength as far as how hard it bit, but when it shook it's head around it did me some damage. Bad Charlott. Bad fucking puppy. You get death. Jon's oddly noble... you wouldn't expect it but the guy's got a heart of pure gold. That dog is a stray he watched get hit by a car and he took the damn thing home instead of going to school that day and brought it home some hottdogs from work while his girlfriend babysat it (while he was at work). That thing is a pain in the ass in that little appartment, but jon wouldn't just turn it loose. "It's too fucking retarded to survive on it's own." he said. The dog has it's good qualitys.. it just seems like the only thing it did was sleep beside me and then try to break my arm. It's sooo cuuttee when it sleeps... awww whoooozaaapupppyyy?youuuu?? Hah, this whole thing is about the fucking dog, but i am entertianed. His cat beats the shit out of it when it trys to smell her. Do not fuck with that cat. I have napped with that cat in my arms sense it was a little tiny kitten and shotguned it numerous times, but she will not hesitate to tear me to pieces when she's in the mood to "play". Fucking cat... how i love it.

I'm thinking about writing a play. Not that i want to act it out, i just want to write a very strange script. I really have no faith in myself making a movie of something other than stop motion resident evil action figures. Makeing movies that are serious or supposed to be something, with people in them for some reason puts me in this thought of looking into the sun with mirror shades on in the desert. It's the strangest thing, me directing a movie or having a say in how it is filmed just seems so helpless like that. I'm not sure if that's some repressed memory or what... I get things like that when i think of certain senarios. Sometimes it's only a color, sometimes it's maybe... a person or something practical like that. And that feeling of helplessness... i can defign it for my body. It feels like i'm going to implode into just below my heart, it's a sinking feeling in that part of my rib cage. I get the color green when i think of that. Light green, not anoyingly light green, but like... spearmint color. I like spearmint gum. I once had a journal with a green color like that, but i threw it away i think. I don't know why the fuck i did that.

Oh, yeah, i bought some strings today, and after i got done stringing the acoustic with these really nice Octave Lights i went to cut the string ends off with some wire cutters and when i got to the B string i snipped the G string right below it completely in half. What a bitch, eh? So i dug through the trash and found a string about... G size and put it on there. It's working but it sounds so-so. That's such a bitch too, i hate when strings break. You're fucked till you go up to KRA and get another pair.

I love how every video game is online now and if you can't get online then you aren't shit. If i had grown up like that.... goddamn. I don't know. I'd be reclusive probably... just being eight and beating the shit out of some guy in Canada in MK2 on my genesis... man. That would just be crazy. For the record on video games... Xbox does kick the shit out of PS2. Face it, PS2 looks like a half finished computer that should come with a 9.0 disk. I'm not complaning.. i use it for dvds but come on now... Xbox is the better system for gaming, no doubt about it. The goddamn system warming up is enough to enduce siezures.